Parenthood and “Daddy Issues” in the Torah

This week’s Torah portion is Toldot, which begins by stating that “…Isaac was the son of Abraham; Abraham begot Isaac.” If Isaac was the son of Abraham, then obviously Abraham begot Isaac! Why the redundancy? Rashi comments that since Abraham miraculously had Isaac at such an old age, people questioned whether Isaac was truly his son or not. Thus, God made Isaac’s physical appearance nearly identical to that of Abraham, so that no one would doubt Isaac was Abraham’s son. Meanwhile, midrashic sources point out that sons are often ashamed of their fathers, or fathers of their sons, but Isaac proudly stated that he was the son of Abraham, and Abraham proudly said that he was the father of Isaac. This brings up an important matter that was as much a problem centuries ago when the Midrash was composed as it is today – what is commonly referred to as “daddy issues”.

The issue can be summarized as follows: fathers tend to be absent from their children’s lives, and this lack of attention and affection ends up creating a host of psychological and emotional problems in the kids. Studies show that “father absence” and “father deficit” leads to more behavioural problems, lower self-esteem, a higher likelihood of promiscuity and substance abuse, crime, relationship difficulties, and increased chances of developing mental disorders. These were precisely the issues with Abraham’s son Ishmael, and Isaac’s son Esau. In fact, when one reads the Torah with their psychiatric spectacles on, they will find dad issues abound:

Noah and Ham had major issues, as did Abraham and his father Terach, and Jacob famously favoured Joseph at the expense of his other sons. This last case incited a great deal of resentment among the sons, leading to Joseph’s sale into bondage. While Joseph benefited greatly from his father’s presence and became wholly righteous, the other sons developed the classic symptoms of “father deficit” listed above. We clearly see their moral issues, with Reuben “mounting his father’s bed” (Gen. 35:22); Shimon and Levi decimating the people of Shechem against their father’s wishes (Gen. 34:25); and Judah falling into the arms of an apparent prostitute (Gen. 38:15-16).*

We see similar difficulties in this week’s parasha. “And Isaac loved Esau because his game-meat was in his mouth, but Rebecca loved Jacob” (Gen. 25:28). Isaac was distant from Jacob, and his relationship with Esau was apparently superficial, too, conditional upon Esau bringing him delicacies. Isaac’s lack of genuine presence in his sons’ lives led to Esau’s bad character, Jacob’s trickery, and a discord between the brothers that tore the family apart.

'Isaac Blessing Jacob' by Bartolome Murillo (1665-1670)

‘Isaac Blessing Jacob’ by Bartolome Murillo (1665-1670)

We read how Rebecca is worried that Jacob would marry a local Canaanite, like Esau had done. The presence of Esau’s idolatrous wives absolutely “disgusted” Rebecca (27:46). She complains to Isaac to do something about this, and Isaac agrees to send Jacob to Charan to find a suitable spouse. Again, we see a serious lack of concern in Isaac; it is Rebecca that is stressing about the children.

The distance between Isaac and Jacob is made even clearer later in the Torah, when Jacob returns to Israel after twenty years of living with Laban in Charan. One would expect him to immediately rush to find his parents, whom he hasn’t seen in two decades. Instead, we read that Jacob settles in a place called Sukkot (33:17) before moving to live in Shechem for a while. He then lives in Beit-El for a number of years before moving to Migdal-Eder (35:21). Only after all of this happens does Jacob finally go to Mamre where Isaac is to be found (35:27). And the very next verse describes Isaac’s death. Depending on how the verses are read, either Jacob only went to see his father once Isaac passed away and needed to be buried, or Jacob’s long-awaited arrival is what triggered Isaac’s passing. Either way, the relationship between father and son is evidently quite cold.

The Akedah and Fatherhood

Perhaps Isaac acted this way because he was mirroring his own father. Indeed, “daddy issues” tend to pass from one generation to another, as sons often end up mimicking their fathers and treating their children the same way they were treated. We see no descriptions in the Torah of Abraham and Isaac doing much together. When God commands Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the wording used is et bincha… asher ahavta, “your son… whom you loved.” Loved is used in the past tense, as if Abraham loved Isaac, but no longer does! Perhaps the two grew distant as Isaac became an adult (he was 37 years old at the time of the Akeidah). At the end of the passage, we read how Abraham returns to “his youths” but Isaac is not mentioned. When Abraham instructs Eliezer to go find a wife for Isaac, again Isaac is nowhere to be seen. He is living in a place called Be’er Lachai Ro’i while his father lives in Be’er Sheva.

In its commentary on parashat Toldot, the Zohar puzzles over the fact that Abraham did not give Isaac a deathbed blessing as was common in those days. Instead, the Torah tells us that Abraham passed away and it was God that blessed Isaac! (Gen. 25:11) The Zohar gives a fairly unsatisfying answer, and maintains that despite all of this, Abraham and Isaac really did have a good relationship.

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman put it best in his piece titled How To Be A Father. The rabbi points out that during the Akedah, when Isaac addresses his father, Abraham replies hineni bni. The term hineni – “here I am” – is precisely the one Abraham used when God called out to him. It suggests one’s total presence and awareness, as one would be before God. Rabbi Freeman sees Abraham telling Isaac hineni, “Here I am, my son. All of me. For all of you.” He goes on to suggest that “Perhaps that was the whole test. Perhaps, with that alone, Abraham proved that he was fit to be the father of the nation that would bring G‑d’s compassion into the world.”

I believe God’s command to Abraham to sacrifice his son was very much a wake-up call. As adults, Abraham and Isaac had grown apart. God needed to remind Abraham that a father must always be present in his child’s life. It was as if God was saying: Hey Abraham, remember that son whom you loved? What happened? If you’re going to act like Isaac is dead, you may as well go up and sacrifice him!

And now here was Abraham, walking up the mountain with Isaac; a dead, awkward silence between them. Suddenly, Isaac says, simply, avi? “My father?” The word strikes Abraham in the heart, and he realizes his error. He understands it all now, and replies: hineni bni. Yes, my son, I am here for you.

The lesson is for every parent to be present in their child’s life, throughout their life, regardless of age or time, place or circumstance. Across Jewish texts, the most common metaphor for the relationship between God and man is that of parent and child. We affectionately refer to God as avinu sh’bashamayim, “our Father in Heaven.” If that’s the case, then just as God is constantly present in our lives, watching over us at every moment, guiding us and supporting us, so too must parents always be there for their children, guiding them in the right direction, supporting them, and watching over them.

Hineni

If Abraham and Isaac really did reconcile at the Akedah, then how do we deal with the issues mentioned previously? Why did Isaac not return with Abraham to the youths? The midrashic explanation is that Isaac actually ascended to Heaven for three years!

Why was Isaac not in Be’er Sheva with Abraham but in Be’er Lachai Ro’i? Rashi comments that while Abraham was busy finding a wife for Isaac, Isaac was busy finding a wife for his father, since Sarah had passed away and Isaac didn’t want his father to be alone. He went to Be’er Lachai Ro’i because that was where Hagar lived, and Isaac brought her back to Abraham. (Hagar is Keturah, Abraham’s wife in his final years. Rashi explains Hagar was called Keturah because she remained pure – like the Temple’s ketoret incense – during those many years she was separated from Abraham.)

Why didn’t Abraham bless Isaac on his deathbed? The Zohar says that he feared the wicked Esau would somehow draw that blessing towards evil. Abraham gave everything he had to Isaac (Gen. 25:5), but left it for God to bless him. Thus, the Zohar tells us that Abraham and Isaac did indeed have a great relationship, and as the Midrash says, Abraham was proud to call himself Isaac’s father, and Isaac was proud to call himself Abraham’s son.

akedah-stamp

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*It is important to note that, of course, the sons of Jacob all repented for their sins, and were wholly righteous in their later years. Otherwise, they would never have merited to be the fathers of the Twelve Tribes!